The Super Bowl Workout

by EJN Comments (0) Articles, Commentary

How ’bout dem Pats?! What an epic comeback! But much like any run, workout or race, did you know that it doesn’t count if it’s not in Strava? ‘What? You’re crazy!’ or ‘How is that possible’, you might be saying. Well, for the most part you might be right to doubt our Strava claim, but when the Patriots are playing you know it’s not going to be anything but exciting and stressful.

Some savvy runners out there must’ve been keen to this and were prepared to use their Super Bowl LI experience to turn themselves into a better runner. For the uninitiated, here’s our guide to making the most of the Big Game.

Pick a side

If you’re team is playing, this part is easy. If you’re team never has a chance (sorry, Browns fans) then this is a key element that can’t be overlooked. To maximize the cardiovascular impact, it’s best to have a vested rooting interest in the outcome. Ways to do that: try to find something about either team that you can connect to, pick your favorite mascot, choose a uniform that catches your eye, or if all else fails, bet your life savings on one team.

Familiarize yourself with the surroundings

This one is akin to studying a course map, etc. Pay special attention here if your the superstitious type. You’ll need to be able to identify as soon as possible if the seat your in is proving to be unlucky, and then will have to know the best spot to sit, stand, kneel to help get your team back into the game. Other things to be know: closest bathroom, shortest route to the kitchen, and whereabouts of the remote AT ALL TIMES.

Equipment

Since there’s no distance run or weights lifted here, it’s tough to get useful metrics on this short of any special equipment. The best way to do it is to get a trained professional to sit by you the whole time monitoring your vitals and periodically testing your blood. By getting a true VO2 max assessment throughout the game you’ll be able to gauge not only how hard you’re working this year, but will be able to compare your performance to past years and see how you have progressed. Not everyone has the budget for that, so the next best thing would be putting that hear rate (HR) strap to good use. More and more watches these days have wrist-based HR, so luckily for you if you don’t own an HR strap or just forget, it’ll be right there for you if you decide to start the workout anyway. With wireless syncing with your smartphone, you can even check out summaries of the vitals along the way. And, as always, the shorter the shorts, the better. Can’t have any restriction of movement here!

Fuel

Just as in marathon racing, the proper fuel is so vital to success. Try to hone in on the proper meat to cheese ratio.  Anything from the Tex-Mex family is a classic that can be relied upon to get you not only through the game, but even the post-game ceremonies and extended news coverage. Please keep in mind that most venues don’t have televisions in the bathroom so it’s on you to make sure you’re not running to drop a D at that key moment in the game when the D is about to make their big stop.

Hydrating

It might be good to mix a few light beers in with those double IPAs just to make sure you can remember stuff like where the bathroom is, what team you’re rooting for or what day of the week it is. Only experienced viewer-competitors should resort to the whiskey/bourbon/scotch sources, as it’s not quite necessary (sort of like taking a 2 liter Camelbak full of Tailwind on a 5k jog).

Support

Everyone needs a good crew and that is just as important on game day as it is on race day. This is where knowing the whereabouts of the remote comes into play as well. You don’t want Suzy (or Billy) Pink Hat switching over to the Kardashians Half Time Cry for Help during a commercial. Before you know it, you’ve missed a key play. Also, you’ll need reliable people to get you some salsa, cheese dip or a beer when you really need it. The best friends are the friends who recognize that you need a little something extra to help you push through before you even ask for it.

Pace Yourself

This goes without saying! An offsides call near midfield two minutes into the game is not that big of a deal compared to the same call with your team locked into a tight battle with 45 seconds left. Know when to let those emtions surge. Otherwise, stay seated and calmly carbo load and hydrate so you’ll be ready for when you need to aggressively shout, cheer or start destroying private property.

The Cool Down

Sort of like after a race, it’s best to give your body a moment to recover before fully enjoying the moment…or violently letting out your loss-related rage. Statistics show that most rioters only tip over one car before they get tired and lose interest, so please, just tip over your own car. Remember to lift with the knees and not the back. Form has so much to do with a successful tip. Be mindful of your HR strap when giving your buddies congratulatory chest bumps. The last thing you want to do is crack a couple of ribs with an overzealous celebration.

Now kick back and enjoy some more fine meats and cheeses. You need to replenish all that you burned off while watching Team win!

*For the love of God people, this is a tongue in cheek guide to Super Bowl fun. We do not condone gambling, excessive drinking or rioting in anyway. Not even sure we condone putting on a HR strap for non-workout activities. Wrist-based units are okay, because, I mean if you have it on already, why not have some fun with it? Was totally serious about Browns fans not having any hope though. Good luck with that!

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